Sunday, May 20, 2012

I know, I have been gone for quite some time.  After I went back to work on the 1st of March, my life just seemed to spiral out of my control, if not physically, at least mentally.  I did feel well enough to go back to work, and fortunately had enough vacation time on the books to cover 4 weeks, as my disability was denied.  Apparently the company that manages our county disability program was under the impression that I was off work due to stress (what they classify as a mental illness), and not because I was ill with my fibromyalgia and celiac disease.  I am fighting it, but it has taken a lot of time to get all my doctors information together to fight it.  I still don't know if they will cover it, and I almost don't even feel like fight for it, but I would like my 160 hours of vacation time back if possible.  But none the less, I felt like the time off did benefit me.  I really felt like I suffered from exhaustion, as I think I slept almost the whole month.  I still even feel better now, 3, almost 4 months later, but am still dealing with pain.

I am really struggling with my life and where it is going.  I have two children that still live at home, one who is finishing up her 1st year of college, and has decided to not return in the fall.  So now she must get a job, as I can't just let her mooch off of me forever.  It's hard-it would be easier to just let her continue to live her as if she is a child, but she isn't-she'll be 20 in July.  She just has terrible anxiety and fear of the world, and she has to figure out how she is going to be able to manage that.  I've tried for years-counseling, medication, advise, everything.  She just has to do it herself.  And I will miss her when she is gone.

And my other child-he will be a senior in high school in the fall.  The year will just fly by, and he is one who won't stay home after high school.  He is anxious to start his new life, on to bigger and better things.

And that leaves just me and the hubster.  And what we are going to do with ourselves.  We had children pretty young (just celebrated our 24 year anniversary last week), and so when our son graduates, I will be 45 and DH will be 46.  We better figure out what we like to do together here pretty soon.

So I am at loose ends-and not just about the kids and family.  I feel like I am a little lost.  I have been burying myself in books for the last couple of months (okay, maybe years), and haven't put but a few stitches in things since my last post.  And now the reading is starting to slow down.  I just have no direction.

So, since I can't afford a therapist (time or money), I'm gonna be blogging about me.  Talking, trying to figure some things out, trying to deal with my health issues, and my total lack of ooppmhhh.  Feel free to run past my posts-no hurt feelings here, and I am going to make myself start stitching again-something easy, and something I love, and remember to take pictures and post them here.  And if anyone one has any advise-whether it is about how to get my stitching mojo back, or how to get "me" back, I would truly appreciate it.


3 comments:

Beth Pearce said...

I have no advice, but I do wish you luck.

stitcheranon said...

Give yourself time; sounds like you have enough things pressurising you so try not to add to them by searching for mojo or execting to be perfect. Be gentle with yourself...you are doing good even though it might not feel like it to you at the mo: a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time if need be. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Maureen said...

I have a friend who struggled adjusting as her kids grew up - like you she had had them quite young and suddenly felt a bit lost without them relying on her. She has developed more of her own interests to help her (I have actually turned her into a bit of a cross stitch fan!) - but it took time.

Perhaps just start with a stash sort, maybe that will help bring a little bit of the enjoyment of stitching back without putting any pressure on yourself that you must stitch.

Maybe plan a date night with hubby, just to remind yourselves of being a couple, not just parents.

Hope this helps.